coming home.

hello, old friend. it’s nice to see you again. I started writing publically almost exactly a year ago. the plan was to have a one stop shop for my adventure photography, cutesy DIY projects, and silly, relatively irrelevant rants. in the blogger world, it was … Continue reading

big things.

embrace

lately i’ve had big things on my mind. it started with new job negotiations conducted in my car. i’ve never felt more like a hooker except for that time when i had sex for money. but seriously, i have bad … Continue reading

how to fall back asleep in the middle of the night.

moon

Step 1.) wake up in the middle of the night, preferably around 3:30 am or so. Step 2.) lay awake for the first hour worrying about your job, your goals, your life, etc. Step 3.) turn on david gray pandora … Continue reading

you must be single.

airplane clouds

i was recently on an airplane and had up a conversation with a mother of three from franklin, tennessee. it started when i pulled out a book. “now what’s that you’ve got there?” “oh, this? it’s a trekking guide for … Continue reading

mountain connection: january print edition.

papa & me

in case you aren’t one of 20,000 homes in the colorado foothills regions that receives the mountain connection (positive news) monthly paper (or maybe you are, but just missed it), here’s an article i wrote for the january 2013 theme: … Continue reading

the year of the psychopath.

at this moment i’m listening to my bathtub fill with steamy hot water. i’m eating ben & jerrys (mint chocolate cookie or something similarly delicious). it’ 7:52pm. on a saturday.  please understand that it pains me to admit that i’m eating the most cliche at-home dessert on the most cliche of all days of the week, alone, while filling the tub for a bath (seriously, excuse me while i go throw up). but yes, on special occasions i even put on a real wire bra instead of my go-to best friend, the sports bra. sometimes i even paint my fingernails (or have someone do it for me). sometimes when the planets align and i’ve recently watched a brilliantly made hallmark commercial, i succumb to girl world. look, it’s been a rough week. (for the record, i hate gender stereotypes. show me a man who wouldn’t love to eat ice cream and plunge into a porcelain bath. seriously, show me. unless he’s lactose intolerant, you can’t).

since the turn of the calendar into 2013, i’ve been in a funk, and not the james brown kind. i slipped on ice and ate it in my parking lot (no one was around to see, but i’m sure the youtube video from a neighboring window will build a view count even sneezing pandas can’t compete with). my computer died and then came back to life and then died again. i lost my money playing video poker (when i usually break even and/or clean house). i budgeted and crunched numbers, then robbed a bank, and finally decided i would invest in a new computer, to which the red shirted apple employee said, “sold out. until february.” i got the flu. i’ve had it ever since. add on a rough day at work and the fact that i’ve been watching episode after episode of it’s always sunny in philadelphia and there’s your explanation to the ice cream and the tub dip. (seriously, watching repeated episodes of that show WILL make you feel like a terrible person. at first it’s funny. then it’s just sad. then suddenly you’re watching a bunch of racists/sexists/alcoholics trying to get a dumpster baby into a tanning salon bed for their own personal gain, and you realize that you yourself are just as horrible as “the gang.”)

worst of all, i’ve been easily annoyed by people who have done nothing upsetting. take away all my rants and feeling sorry for myself, this is when it turns into not ok. but despite my normal can-do attitude, my attempts to remind myself of my adopted mantra “happiness is a choice” and other care bear rainbow feel goodery, i’m just grumpy, and down, and sick (flu, y’all, like miss 3 1/2 days of work, nose is a faucet, sound like you’ve been a chain smoker for 142 years, coughing up lungs, kleenex should start endorsing me, really, really, ridiculously sick).

so it all just feels like crap.

i have to acknowledge that these are all what they call “first world” problems. no one i know has died during my funk. no one is terminally ill (that i know of). i’m complaining about replacing my old mac computer with another mac computer. the fact that i’m using the word “funk” means that none of this is crucial, or even that important. i get it, shut up white girl. i couldn’t agree more.

normally i try my best to share stories of new found hope, finding myself, silver linings, good vibes, yeah, yeah, blah blah blah. when i share them, i really mean them from the bottom of my heart. it’s part because i believe we all need a little more positivity in our lives. it’s part because i need to believe for myself that despite all of the hardships we encounter, no matter what number world we come from, our fate and our happiness lie in our hands (at least in part- attitude of gratitude, ya’ll).

but seeing as i’m horrible at vulnerability, intimacy, and more, i rarely admit when i’m not ok. there are few people i open up to, and i cringe with the thought of publicly announcing it. i usually hole up with high calorie desserts, movies like sleepless in seattle, and albums like damien rice’s O on repeat. a few days later, i’m back to “me” and re-enter the world without anyone ever knowing. add on not shaving, and it’s basically like being a werewolf.

maybe it’s the turn of the new year, maybe it’s my new found word vomit hobby that appears here twice a week, but i’ve decided i need to start being ok with not being ok.

so forget the lunar new year and forget the snake. 2013 is the year of the crazy girl. we all have our ups and downs. we all have our holes and mountains. it’s about time i started admitting it.

so here it goes: i’m a werewolf psychopath. and you know what? it’s ok, even when it’s not.

death of a laptop.

whether it’s the spinning circle or blue screen or oh-too-familiar white screen of death, we’ve all been there. we’ve been working on a project, post, photo, or just trying to listen to napster (anyone? bueller? i’m not that old), and our craptop gives out. it might give warning by making noises or moving slower or starting to smoke, but sometimes it doesn’t even have the courtesy to leave a note before turning off, checking out, or saying buh-bye.

in a moment of panic we try restarting. we hold down the power button. we press shift with seventeen other keys hoping to kick in some magical “please work” mode. we leave the room so it can have some time alone. we curse. then, we use our robot phones to google every solution on the planet without having to run off to the mac genius bar or call that one guy to come over and try to figure things out. then we pray. we fantasize about the scene in office space with the copy machine, a beautiful meadow, and a baseball bat while quietly humming “damn it feels good to be a gangster.” then we pray again. in weakness during finals week before turning in my senior portfolio, or late at night headed towards the deadline of a freelance project, i’ll admit i’ve even cried.

last night i took photos of my brother’s band and was hoping to upload/edit so they can use them for PR asap. i need to work on my summit for someone sponsor letter, merch set-up, and outreach. i have two practically full memory cards from my dslr that need to be uploaded, including photos from the most beautiful fall day in aspen, colorado. look, i have shit to do. but today, i had the pleasure of seeing the white screen of death. twice.

so instead of spending my morning on the couch with posture that you’d think i learned from the hunchback of notre dame while slowly feeding to my inevitable carpal tunnel syndrome, i cleaned my apartment (my entire apartment). instead of eating breakfast with john stewart, i leafed through a real life feel-the-pages magazine. instead of streaming the lumineers pandora station for the umpteenth time, i listened to abbey road. on. vinyl.

i’m no stranger to the despair that comes with a crashing computer. it’s caused me more heartbreak than a boy ever has. it always feels personal, this inanimate object that we use to communicate with the world, every day, 43 times a day, suddenly giving out, dying. but for me, at least today, i realized how much i needed the break. i was able to accomplish so many everyday activities that some how get passed up because i’m too busy checking facebook or watching babies laugh on youtube or re-reading articles on thought catalog. it’s a sickness, really.

so i’m taking it as a sign and i’m taking a hiatus. it may not be a long one (actually it won’t be, i have shit to do), but in the heart of a season that’s about relationships, love, new beginnings, and giving thanks, i’m going to take it all too seriously and leave the laptop behind. no facebook, twitter, instagram, or blogosphere until 2013. (disclaimer: i have to be in the office this week, so email is a must. i’ll also be texting and skyping with my australian sister on christmas. what? nobody’s perfect.)

for someone who actively prefers hand-written letters over email, books over tablets, and vinyl over mp3s, i don’t think it will be hard. i genuinely dream of living in a small town without wifi. there, i said it. i’d live in a treehouse if i could. i could camp, wash my clothes in a river, and walk to all of my destinations without much complaint if it was socially acceptable (if you know of a non-cult commune looking for a seamstress/gardener/broncos fan, let me know. also, we’ll have to convince my mom.) but, like anyone of my generation, it’s easy to get sucked in. it’s easy to listen to pandora over a record because it’s exactly that, easy.

as it turns out, i did leave my laptop in the other room so it could have some alone time. it rebooted on it’s own after the apartment was clean.

so, here’s to making life a little harder than usual. here’s to clarity, refreshment, calm, simplicity, slowness. here’s to a good, old fashioned reboot.